"If the world is our mirror, then whatever we see out there in some way reflects what is in us... I know that my world is my mirror and, in a sense, my creation. If things weren't in me, they couldn't exist in my world."
I told you my email would reach my mom somehow. Just before I totally got awake this morning I was talking to my Mom . . .
After she passed away, she never really got into my dreams nor visited me when I am awake, not until this morning.
Last night at the FX ride home from Megamall, I met this friendly young lady. She asked me about my Mom. She thought that the Crocs (which I bought as a gift for my father) that I have with me is for my Mom ‘cause mothers’ day is coming. That’s next weekend. Then I stopped a few seconds, I’ve realized there is no else at home to greet on Mothers’ Day.
Perhaps my Mom knew and felt what I felt last night…. The reason she came to my dream and talked to me just before I awaken. You know that half awake half -asleep stage….
Well, come to think of it, even when she was still alive, there were times when I would awaken and realize that I was just dreaming … most of the time I would be laughing like a little child playing with my Mom. I would tell her about that weird experience which happened a lot of times then and she would just smile and tell me …. “E di mabuti yun, masaya ka sa panaginip mo!”
Was that the message that my Mom was trying to get through me?
Perhaps, my Mom knows that I am still trying to help myself cope with her physical absence . . . that I am trying my best to be happy in the best way that I know.
My three other sisters, my niece and our Dad would always visit her tomb…. I don’t go there much. I’ve been there twice or thrice. It’s not that I don’t want to go there, it’s because I know how I can reach her or should I say I’ve got my own ways of getting through her. After all, she’s still an email or a text message away. We got a connection somehow.
Yes, I’ve already let her go but there are times when I would really miss her. While watching her video, silent tears came out from me.
I remember when I got to watch that indie film Tulad ng Dati which starred The Dawn, I remember what the two important characters Teddy and Jet said :
Teddy : Ano ginagawa mo pag may isang bagay ( o tao ) na nawawala?
Jet : Hinahanap.
Teddy : Pano kung di mahanap?
Jet : Pinapalitan.
Teddy : Pano kung di kayang palitan?
Jet : Tinatanggap.
We all go through these stages when we lose someone to death, to circumstance or to other people. When we lose somethings, some important things in our lives. We tend to hang on. To cling on to them. We should not, we just all have to learn to let go . . . to let them go.
When I was a kid, I used to hate getting wounds or cuts... Well, I was kinda afraid of seeing blood then. I was able to overcome that fear of blood when I had my thyroid surgery during my college.... I had several tests when I was being prepared for the surgery, that included several blood tests & a host of other lab tests. Enough to make me tougher and even braver.
We all got wounds -- minor cuts, bruises, deep wounds, emotional wounds, scars, keloids. Who on earth doesn't have wounds? Not unless you're one of those celebrity endorsers of big skin care centers.
There are even those who get scarification instead of tattoos. I've seen a few in the net & I kinda find it odd and sorry, a bit ugly. I keep wondering why some would resort to having their skin scarred. Well, it must be the same thing how others would feel towards people who got their skin inked... I've got several odd reactions from some friends & people when they find out that I've got tattoos.
Mind you, I'm tolerant of pain, perhaps that's the reason why I can get tattoos. For me, pain is a mind thing... just like any other thing in this world.
When friends would ask me how it feels to have your skin inked, I readily give them a visual feel of how the needle gets into your skin...
My tattoos, like my wounds are part of me. Like wounds, they may fade in time.... I may have them retouched or enhanced but never will I have them erased.
Just let all your wounds heal. Wounds are a part of life. Perhaps, you would agree with me.
Last March, I had the chance to work with five different kids for a tv commercial, casting work of which, I did... They are Mika, Ella, Andres, Eisen & Renz.
I believe these kids were heaven sent. Aside from the talents that they all got, I would say they have definitely made me smile & feel lighter during the sad moments of my life. I remember at the print shoot when our client asked my assistant Dexter to lead the prayer before the lunch, he declined & volunteered for me instead. I remember that in that prayer I thanked "the Big Guy up there" for bringing me these kids & letting me work with them & meeting their parents during the work.
I also got to know Mika's Mom Angelika... I even complemented her for being such a great mom to her little girl. I've got to work with a lot of kids for tv commercial work in my almost 10 years in the advertising / tv commercial production.... but with Mika's mom, the love for her child is so transparent & sincere that everyone around her would definitely feel it.
I would also commend the other parents 'cause all the kids are well mannered and are just simply enjoying and having fun during the tvc project... Candidly asking questions that they would like to ask... Singing, dancing , playing when they feel like doing so.
How I wish to see these kids grow up in the future, perhaps cast them again for teen-age roles... I just wish their innocence as children would remain.
Remember that line from a song by Jewel that says "Innocence can't be lost, it needs to be maintained".
I know to some it may sound so idealistic . . . or too "new agey" . . . but I know that to some of you out there, the dream of returning to innocence is within reach.
To my assistant Dexter for really taking care of the kids during the project, thanks!
To our client, Ms. EYG who loves kids as I remember way back early 2000 tvc projects with her, Salamat po!
To Tita Pinky, Direk Louie, Sir Joel, Sir Marty, Sir Awel, Denden, Chriz , Meanne, Belt & all RS people salamat po sa inyo ng marami! :)
Sometimes children's books are meant to be read by us adults, don't you think so? We must keep that little child in us always.
I remember reading "OLD TURTLE & THE BROKEN TRUTH" about a year ago. It's a very nice book written by Douglas Wood. It's got nice watercolor illustrations in it. I got it from a book sale. It is a book that speaks of spiritual journey -- yours and mine. It's about finding your way back home and on being whole again.
Wood, the author wrote a dedication on the third page of the book and it says "To all who seek truth and who listen to the language of breezes. (And Turtles.)
A soul brother told me once that "books find you", not the other way around. Perhaps, Old Turtle & the Broken Truth did find me.
Let me share with you a few precious quoted excerpts from the book (the conversation between the Little Girl & the Old Turtle) :
"Why have you come so far to find me, Little one?" asked the Old Turtle. Her voice rumbled like far away thunder, but was soft as the breeze through a caterpillar's whiskers.
"I... wanted to ask a question," answered the Little Girl. "Where I live , the earth is sore, and people are suffering. Battles are fought, over and over again. People say, it has been this way and will never change. Can it change, Old Turtle? Can we make it change?"
Old Turtle spoke. "The world you describe is not the world that has always been, Little One." Then the Old Turtle told of how people had found the broken truth, and the suffering it had caused.
"It is because it is so close to a great, whole truth that it has such beauty, and that the people love it so," said Old Turtle. "It is the lost portion of that broken truth that the people need, if the world is to be made whole again."
"But where is the missing piece?' asked the Little Girl. "Can we put the truth back together again?"
"First my child," said Old Turtle, "remember that there are truths all around us, and within us. They twinkle in the night and bloom upon the earth. They fall on us every day, silent as the snow and gentle as the rain. The people, clutching their one truth, forget that it is a part of all small and lovely truths of life. They no longer see these truths, no longer hear them.
"But.... perhaps, Little One, you can...."
"I --- I'll try," said the Little Girl.
And she thought once more of her long journey. She looked upon all the beauty that surrounded her, from the far hill to the flowers beneath her feet. She saw the movement of clouds and the soaring of birds and the dancing of light upon the green and living earth. She heard the whispering of the breeze.
And gradually... a feeling came over her as though all the world were made of truths. As if the world had just been made for her and she had been made for it. And she felt a secret smile somewhere deep inside... and thought that, perhaps, she understood.
She looked once again at Old Turtle, her eyes more filled with wonder than before.
Old Turtle spoke again. "Remember this also, Little One," he said. "The Broken Truth, and life itself, will be mended only when one person meets another --- someone from a different place or with a different face or different ways --- and sees and hears . . . herself. Only then will the people know that every person, every being, is important, and that the world was made for each of us."
For a long time then the two friends were quiet, high on the hill in the very center of the world. And in her heart the Little Girl thought she could see other people in other beautiful lands, people with their own ways, their own truths . . . people different from her own, but still, somehow, The People.
Finally the Little Girl asked one more question. "Old Turtle, how will the people learn these things?"
"By seeking out those small and simple truths all around them." said Old Turtle. "By listening once more to the language of breezes, by learning lessons from stones and animals and trees and stars. Even turtles," she chuckled, and "little girls."
"Now Little One, it is time for you to go, to return to your people and tell them what you have seen and learned, and to help them mend their Broken Truth."
"Take this with you," said Old Turtle, as he placed something in the Little Girl's hand. "I have saved it for a very long time, for someone just like you."
The Little Girl looked at what the Old Turtle had given her. It was kind of stone, a mysterious, beautiful stone. It was lovely to touch, and it made her feel good to hold it.
She squeezed it tightly, then tucked it away, for her journey.
Thank you, Old Turtle," she said, and hugged her friend's great leathery neck.
And then she started home....
That story did not end there. The Little Girl traveled a long journey towards home. It says there in the last few lines of the story, "But it had been a long journey and those who take great journeys of the heart are changed." So do not be discouraged, we are all parts of that Broken Truth, truths hidden somewhere within us --- our hearts, we just have to rediscover it and put all the missing pieces together and become whole again. I hope books like OLD TURTLE & THE BROKEN TRUTH will find its way to you.
"And slowly, as the people met other people different from themselves, they began to see themselves."
"Remember when you read this book. Remember this paragraph, remember this concept... This may exactly what the person you are giving a reading to needs to know at this point."
When my Nanay passed away last March 3, I texted a few friends. Some of these are the lines that I sent them that night.
If this is indeed a part of the illusion or "the dream", this is probably the saddest moment of my life.
Last year and a few months before she passed away, I've been given a lot of letting go & forgiveness lessons, perhaps I was being prepared for that very part of my life. A lot had happened... It was last year when my 5 year old cat Meeyoh (a ragdoll cat) died when I was in Pampanga for a shoot, he died of kidney failure. Then two of my fave rings were lost... one fell from my hand & the other simply got lost....
I still thank My Universe for letting me be where I needed to be & for continously teaching me to let go & trust.
I remember what my dear friend Juddha told me, "If there is only eternity, then nothing & no one is ever lost."
I may have physically lost my Nanay & my Meeyoh ( to death or to the whole concept of death ), my fave rings & a lot of other stuff & people ( to other people ) but my LOVE for them & the love that they have given me will forever be with me.
That is the usual wish or blessings that I send out to people whenever I would email or send out text messages these days....
I've realized that whatever you tell or send out to others, you are telling or sending it out to yourself as well. If you curse others, you are definitely cursing yourself. They are indeed your reflections.
I will not say or claim that I do not in any way hate some people... in fact I've got one character in "my story" that seems to be the most one that I hate since I was a kid. I even told people who are close to me, that I'll just let "the guy up there" judge her. Can't seem to forget the illness that she caused us @ one point in our lives. As I've said, she's just a character in my story... I can always decide to erase or delete her... though she still pops out at times. She used to be a trigger on me but now I only see her as a character, perhaps, a bit player, not even an acting extra (as we refer to them in the tv commercial production /films.)
If you send out love to others, you are sending it out to yourself. So why not start practicing sending out love & forgiveness to others. It doesn't even have to be verbal. The mere thought that you are thinking about it, is a big step. Practice makes perfect.
Lesser load or baggages if you've got love & forgiveness within you most of your time.
Nay, how are you po up there? I'd like to tell you a few things po....
I'd like to thank you for bringing me into this world. Perhaps my soul chose you to be my Nanay. You helped & prepared me so that I could learn the lessons that I have to work out in this lifetime.... lessons that are fun and lessons that can sometimes be very painful.
For allowing me to be me. You respected the thought, the very idea that as your child, I know who I am & what I am here to do. You did not own me but you treated me as I am.
For making me a part of your meaningful & soulful journey.
My 32 years with you was cut short. It's just sad that you had to leave this soon po. I'll surely miss you & our usual routine together. I'd miss holding your hand & kissing you on your forehead & on your cheek. I'd miss texting you & I'd simply miss being with you po.
I won't stop saying I love you's for as long as I am living. See you in the next few years!
I am now willing to let go. I don't believe in death.... there is only eternity.
