I Know Him By Heart

“Cause I know he’s out there somewhere just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve never been apart
No we’ve never met, haven’t found him yet but I know him by heart.”
(A few nice lines from Vonda Shepard’s song I Know Him By Heart)

We all have kept this vision of our ideal partner – “The One” or the soul mate as all of us have referred to most of our lives. He or she may be the one we’ve been dreaming of since we were kids.

Some may have been lucky to have found their princes and princesses and have ended up with them. Some have been trying to find theirs for quite some time. Some may have drifted from one partner to another and a lot of others trying to find “The One”. Some have decided to grow and live with themselves.

I myself have thought that I have found him… but then I’ve realized it’s still a long way to go. I’ve still got a few homework to do for myself as I remember him said it. Well, I prefer to call it “soul work”.

“Am I living an illusion wanting something I can’t see
If I compromise I’d be living lies pretending love’s not meant to be
Cause I know my heart’s worth saving and I know that he’ll be waiting
So I’ll hold on and I’ll stay strong till then

Cause I know he’s out there somewhere just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve never been apart
No we’ve never met, haven’t found him yet but I know him by heart.”

I’ve realized that as long as you know what you want in mind and in your heart, it’s already been given to you or it has been with you all along. So cheer up and don’t sulk in the corner, don’t even try to settle for second best or anything less than you truly deserve. Try to sing Vonda Shepard’s song I Know Him By Heart. You’ll realize that there is such a thing called divine absolute … that order and perfection do exist. It doesn’t single out anyone for it includes everyone and everything.

One may interpret this song as a love song -- one that tells that one would know when the person meant for him or her comes, he or she will know.

This song may also speak of finding “J” or God or Love (or however you want to address Him). I believe this song speaks a whole lot about trusting and “just being.” When you find your Love, you find yourself and when you find yourself and what’s within, you find “J” or God.

Friends (I don’t have much but the ones I’ve got are more than treasures)

There are friends that you’ve had for several years and there are those that you’ve had after a brief meeting. There are those who stay in your life for the longest time and there are those who suddenly drift away from you. One thing I’m certain with the friends that I have or have had, my soul ties with them.

Friends… well I’ve got my best friend Karen. She’s been my “bestest friend” since our college days in PWU Fine Arts. We’ve been through a lot together. A lot of ups and downs. We’ve been best of friends for more than a decade now. I’d say our friendship is something not bounded by distance or time. I know that when we grow old and gray, we would still have each other.

Some important friends are those who come from your own family. I’ve had the chance to have my Mom as my friend. I remember her not only as my mother but also my great friend – one of the greatest I’ve had perhaps.

I’ve got my cousin Elmer, my Cebu and Bohol buddy… I hope the next time we go to Cebu, you’ll try the Sky Adventure with me.

My other great friend and cousin Pebbles, I will always cherish our being friends back when we were little girls. We used to write snail mails to each other then. I kinda miss that now that you’re in the US.

I also have Rachelle, my best friend in the Catholic school during my elementary years. We seldom see each other but we know we’ll always be friends and will always be there for each other. She’s married now and got two kids and we only hear from each other through text messages and very brief chats when we see each other. Thanks for little girls’ laugh that we share whenever I see you.

Another friend is Jun, my copywriter / creative director friend. We’ve met at the ad agency in Ortigas where I briefly worked. He is one great big brother. We get to go out for coffee once in a while. He’s been with me when I was heart broken, well… “heart broken” cause that’s the way I chose to see it during those days.

Juddha, whom I acknowledge as my soul brother and guide. Can’t forget some of the most precious thoughts he shared with me. Some of these are: “If there is only eternity then nothing and no one is ever lost.” I also learned from him how to bless others with love and light. Thanks my soul buddy! Continue being an artist of the spoken word! And an Artist of the Spirit as well!

Andre, my Mowelfund buddy who says we got a unique friendship… I’m still figuring out what you are trying to mirror on me. You are one heck of a friend that I can talk to about almost anything and everything under the sun. One thing I’d like you to keep in mind is to learn to live in the moment.

My Pink Fairy friend, I wish you reach your dreams and make your Mom happy, I know that it’s all you ever want in this world. My sorrys if I sometimes get mad at you or preach you when it comes to work. It’s nothing personal, it’s more than personal… cause you are my friend.

My editor friend Jonnel who’s been one of my best buddies in the production. My consultant when it comes to gadgets and techie stuff. Thanks for the coffee tambay!

My Ilonggo filmmaker nephew Oskie, I hope we get to work on a really nice film project. I can work on the script and you on the camera work.

My actor friend who always send me posts for their film grant, thanks for the constant reminder that I should push with my writing and create a nice out of the box film material. Well, I still got to connive my material with “the commercial value” aspect.

My friends from tv commercial production, that includes Chriz, who also cried when he saw me crying when my Mom died. My friend Denden who’s 10 years younger than me who’s life has got a lot to do with love and her daughter. My production manager friend Sir Awel, the silent intellectual guy who’s got a library of books. Thanks for reminding me that we can all still smile while working under extreme pressure. My other production manager friend Sir Joel, whom I’ve known when I was still a production assistant then and who introduced me to RS, my sincerest thanks. To Sir Marty, Tita Pinky, Meanne, Belt, Ramil and the rest of RS people, I really felt I belong to the family.

Mama Tess who gave me a motherly hug just when I badly needed one.

My new found friends Paty and Pol who work as my assistants in my casting. You guys are great! Pol and Paty you’ve got a nice career waiting for you in the production. You guys remind me of my younger days in the production – full of energy and aspirations. Hope to see you when that time comes. In the meantime, welcome the “rackets” or the part time work that I offer you from time to time. I’d like to give credits to Pol for being my fashion stylist whenever we go malling and for reminding me not to forget the joy and the spirit.

I also got to meet Arielle and became instant friends with her. We even see each other as soul sisters. She says it’s not often for her to find friends of the same wavelength.

To the talents, the kids, the adults, the talent agents and parents that I got to meet in my castings and tv commercial shoots, the brief meetings we have are all part of my journey.

To J for teaching me a lot then that has got to do with love and my spirituality now. You’ve taught me a great lesson on forgiveness... Thank you for teaching me “That nothing unreal exists, nothing real can be threatened.” I know we will always have a connection… in Kairos perhaps.

To the authors of the many books that I’ve read and still reading, I salute you for bringing light and love into my life. In these books I got to know Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet), Gary Zukav (The Seat of the Soul; Soul Stories), Don Miguel Ruiz (The Mastery of Love; The Voice of Knowledge; The Four Agreements), Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now), Sarah Breathnach (Simple Abundance), Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Women Who Run with the Wolves), Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life), Anne Marie Groth (Awaken to the Healer Within), Deepak Chopra (Fire in the Heart; Life After Death; Peace is the Way), Oriah Mountain Dreamer (The Call; The Invitation), Neale Donald Walsh (Friendship with God -an uncommon dialogue) -- all of them are facets of myself. Your books feed my soul.

To all of you guys, those that I’ve mentioned and those that I have not, thank you for being with me in my journey… for in one way or another touching my life. If I indeed called you to be in my life, my sincerest thanks!

Hey, I’m not going in a faraway land or anything, I just want thank you all for being my treasures! For being such great finds!

I will always honor our connection no matter how the form changes. If you need to leave my life, it shall be respected ‘cause I know that the connection will always be there.

Love and Light!

Some of Life’s Puzzles… aren’t Puzzles at all ( I hope you can dig on it)

Do you know that the people that you see, those you are with or you’ve been with are there because you created them and that you wanted them to be there? I guess you may find these odd or crazy.

You called on them (the people and also the circumstances and incidents) to be in your life… in your journey.

On a spiritual thinking mind, all that you see around you are all part of the dream that you created for yourself. Perhaps to play a big part in your life’s greatest teachings or lessons.

Even your parents, your husband, your wife, your children, your best friend, your workmates and even the work and kind of living that you have are all products of your choosing. I know how this may sound so unreligious.

I’ve always been spiritual in my own ways and thinking (although I’d say I’m non traditional or non-conformist in my spirituality). I do acknowledge “the Bigger Hand” behind and beyond us all. That we are all One. That I am you and you are me…. But this is one puzzle in life that I cannot deny. That we create our own adventure… the characters that we want to be with… the life that we want to live. These are all our choice. To call them or not to call them in our stories, in our lives.

We all go through this at one point in our lives when we ask with a lot of whys and hows and even what ifs. If only we are aware that where and what you are right now is perfect and is in the divine order in your spiritual journey, you wouldn’t ask anymore question nor put yourselves in doubts and uncertainties. You will know that where you are is where you needed to be at the moment.

There may be some people in your life who keeps on popping out from time to time and this may cause you to doubt and ask why he or she keeps on presenting himself/ herself to your life or why he keeps on being in the picture. Just acknowledge his or her presence and dwell on mindfulness and listen. Do not reject his presence and what he has to say for if you do, you are rejecting not just him but also yourself and perhaps one of your life’s greatest lessons. Who knows, he may just be a mirror to the many issues you have in your life, most of them are the ones that you love to deny or forget.

Listen to the sound of the breezes (and I mean truly listen) and you’ll find yourself connected to the Universe or to “The Bigger Hand” and much more to yourself and to your otherselves.

Listen. Try to see everything in Love and Light.

Journey

I’d say everyone goes through his or her own journey… in his or her own time. It doesn’t matter how far you’ve come, what matters is how much farther you’re willing to go and sometimes let go. How much you’re willing to perfect your soul and not your personality or the self you have known and have come to believe as your real self.

For the past 10 years of my work in the tv commercial production, I’d say I’ve traveled a bit farther and was able to accomplish parts of the task that I am here for. I’d say not all of it but some parts of it. In my own ways, I was able to create the dream that I know I need to create and realize. Although, there is still a lot of remaining work to do to be the soul that I ought to be… the soul that I am.

A lot is still yet to be accomplished. I always bear in mind that there is a Greater and Bigger Knowledge working with us always. That there is bigger hand that handles the steering wheel as we drive the road. That we are all perfect and in the right place in our spiritual journey.

Sometimes the road seems to be too bumpy, sometimes muddy, sometimes so smooth. No matter how your road appears to you, just remember that you are meant to be at that road and travel it. Whatever road you take or how much time you take to travel that road, it shall always lead you home. Where is home really? You will definitely know when you get there.

Here I am, still traveling my road… There are times though that I choose to travel the less taken path… the less traveled roads, there are times when I do conform.

There are times when I dare to do something different… not to prove myself or my capabilities. You actually don’t have to give reasons nor justification for doing something… just do it and let be.

A few days ago I did the Sky Adventure at the Crown Regency in Cebu City. I did the Sky Walk and rode the Edge Coaster. If there was a sky dive or bunjee jump, I might have done it too. Well, I know that all these are part of the illusions of the world that I created for myself. So I just thought, why not chill out, enjoy and not bother to take life seriously. Who wants drama? I definitely don’t.

Throughout one’s journey, he’ll meet himself and the rest of his other selves. That is when you get to rediscover and remember who you really are and it shall lead you home...

Trust the Universe

"TRUST THE UNIVERSE. There is no when to that, there is no if to that. It is. Release your specifications & say to the Universe : FIND ME WHERE YOU KNOW I NEED TO BE. Let them go & trust that the Universe will provide & so it shall. Let go of all. Let your higher self complete its task."

Last May 29, Friday night, I had an accident at the GMA MRT stairs, I fell 3 to 4 steps...and sprained my ankle.

There were about 5 people who helped me that night. First was this fellow commuter, a man who looked at me for a few seconds then I asked him if he can call the guards or the police upstairs cause I can hardly move my left foot nor stand up. Then there was this lady about my age, her name is Tina who works for Japan Airllines. She just went back to check on me. She said she saw me sitting on the stairs... She said she waited to see if I'll go downstairs and she got worried when I didn't go down after a few minutes that she then decided to go back and see me. We were complete strangers. Tina really offered to stay with me.

Then the guards and the MRT officer that time came to help me. They even offered to place me in a stretcher but i declined. They then carried me on a monoblock chair going to the taxi stand. It was a really scene... a bit embarrassing but i did not think of it at all. They rushed me to East Avenue Medical Center. It's the nearest to the MRT station and to our new place in Teachers Village.

I called on my sister to meet me at the hospital.

At the emergency / trauma department of the East Avenue Medical Center, I've seen a lot that night... people with different emergency cases... I've seen a woman seated on a wheelchair about to give birth and bleeding. I've seen an old man in pain having a foot surgery a few steps away from where my wheelchair is. I've seen a kid girl with her mother who says her child fell from the stairs and has been vomiting. I've seen a host of several cases during the few hours that I've waited there to have my splint made. A few realizations came in.

I would like to believe I was placed in that specific area that time or shall I say, had this accident for a reason. One copywiter friend told me that perhaps it's a sign that I should slow down a bit... with work that is. I've been putting myself into so much work lately perhaps to keep myself busy & not entertain sad thoughts.

In one of the books that I've read, feet related aches or sickness indicate the fear to move forward... or move on. Well, I am contemplating on that. Trying to think which aspect of my life do I need to review and let go fully.

From all these, I shall go back to the very simple thought of "trusting the Universe" (God) and letting go and knowing that you are perfect and in the right place in your spiritual journey.

That night when I had the accident I've seen a lot of my other selves -- mirror reflections. I've seen a kid and her mom, a woman, an old man, the MRT officer and the guards and Tina. I have even seen some of my fears. But then again, I know and I am aware that a Greater Knowledge is working with me towards my perfection -- that is the perfection of my soul.

To Tina Mulato, the GMA MRT guards & officer that night & to the guy fellow MRT commuter who helped me that night, & to the doctors & hospital staff at The East Avenue Medical Center, to the our building guard & staff, much thanks to you all po!

My Poor Pink Fairy Friend… May the Universe Forgive Those Ugly Creatures in Padre Faura.

Last Tuesday night after my pre-production meeting for my tv commercial project, I immediately went to PGH where my poor Pink Fairy Friend is confined. He was unfortunately held up and was stabbed by merciless creatures at Padre Faura last Sunday night.

I would like to believe that he just happened to be at the wrong place and time that wee hours of Sunday. He was going to a tv shoot location and he was with his teen-ager talent.

I am really shattered to see my friend with big stab wounds in the arm and much deeper stab wounds in the stomach area that damaged his intestines. When he saw me, he couldn’t help but shed tears. He tried so hard to speak and tell me what happened that Sunday. He said he tried to defend himself but there were two men and he was just with a helpless teen-aged boy. He said he doesn’t want to give his I.D. and his cellphone…. perhaps he worked so much for those things.

I’ve known my Pink Fairy Friend around four years ago. He was an assistant to a talent agent and I was a caster. Then time came when he had no work and fortunately, I needed an assistant for my casting work for tv commercials. So I took him in to be my assistant. He is about my age but a bit immature but I saw his eagerness to learn and enthusiasm to reach his simple goals.

From the few projects we’ve had, I would say we also became friends. He was even a confidante. This guy has always been very appreciative of the simple things that he said he was able to learn from me and from our work.

Time came when I told him that maybe his real calling is to become a talent agent or a talent manager because that is where he is great at and I know that he’ll be a great talent manager some day. I know he misunderstood me at that time, he thought I didn’t like his work, but then I’ve explained to him that I do see a greater future in his being a talent agent or manager.

True enough, he was able to penetrate television, he started supplying audience for tv variety shows. He said he doesn’t earn much but he enjoys his work much. I remember he would always show me his I.D. issued by a big tv network – with his name in it and his designation as talent coordinator. He also became a part of a talent agency. I’ve seen him slowly fulfilling his dreams.

My Pink Fairy Friend is a loving son to his sickly mom who lives in the province. One time when we had a talk, he showed me bank deposit slips. He sees to it that the bigger percentage of his earnings goes to his mom. My friend is very selfless.

Well, perhaps he is indeed selfless –- he thought not about his cellphone but he thought of the safety of the teenager talent he was with that gruesome Sunday. He feared not only for his life but also for the life of that boy.

The first words that came from me when I first saw him when I visited him last Tuesday, “Sana hindi ka na lumaban.” But then I am not my Pink Fairy friend.

I can’t help but feel hatred towards those ugly night creatures in Padre Faura who stabbed and almost killed my friend. My friend is just trying to earn a clean living and trying to fulfill his simple dreams. I do pray that the Bigger and Greater Knowledge in this life would not place you in eternal damnation, if such really exists. My Pink Fairy friend is so forgiving that he said he had already forgiven those creatures.

To my Pink Fairy Friend, get well soon…. We’ll still have projects together! Love and Light to you!

To those ugly night creatures, may you find simple abundance and may you find God and love within you. May you realize that providing for yourself or for your family doesn’t have to mean almost stabbing someone to death.

May your souls find the light that would remove the darkness in your poverty stricken path. To all these, I shall say Amen.

Be Brave Little One

"always keep a little prayer in your pocket
and you're sure to see the light..
soon there'll be joy and happiness
and your little world will be bright.

don't cry little one
there'll be a smile when your wishes come true
you must try to be brave little one...
someone's waiting to love you..."

Why do we always have to put up a brave face? Why are we afraid to show how we really feel? We do not have to pretend to be somebody we are not... to show that we're okay when we are not. Yes, we really have to be brave and try to show our true colors.

When we were kids, we are very much aware of our true colors.... much the less, our true emotions. There is so much honesty and sincerity in almost everything we do. When we are hungry or thirsty, we basically tell our moms and dads that we're hungry. When we feel cold, we do ask our moms for jackets or perhaps a warm hug. When we feel like crying, we do call on our siblings, our parents or friends and cry on to them.

Didn't you notice that as we grew older, we tend to go far from being honest and sincere -- far for being our own true selves. We've learned to pretend... to cover up... to become actors and actresses and play different roles. We drive away from our own true selves -- from being the innocent children that we are. The children who's idea of life is to simply love and be loved.

The dream of returning to innocence as I've said is just within our reach. We just have to relearn the things we do when we were kids. Rediscover life and living it with nothing else but love.

I do hope we all get to have the courage and be brave enough to go back to innocence. Only then we will all know who we really are.

Living in the Moment

I remember having dated this particular guy twice. A coffee date and a movie date. Mind you, it was Pirates of the Caribbean, the very first one. He was so apologetic about the film, well we both came from Mowelfund and we both know the difference between a film and a movie. I didn’t mind at all, it was a Johnny Depp movie anyway and I’m a huge fan. He was my batch mate at Mowelfund. Well, to add to that, I kinda like this guy then. He looks like Ken of the F4 in the Taiwanese soap Meteor Garden. He’s the prim and proper type. At that time he was also working in the production.

While havin’ coffee, a casual question popped out from this guy. (That was a Sunday or a Saturday, a lot of kids & parents are passing by the coffee shop.) He asked me at what age do I plan to get married and have kids. I candidly answered, “I don’t really plan things out…. I hate to have things laid out much… I don’t do things in order from 1 to 10…. It’s just not me…” Little did I know then that what I was trying to point out to him is that “I do live in the moment”.

Perhaps a guy hearing those words from me would get turned off. He might probably say that I’m a happy go lucky person in her 20’s who doesn’t have a foresight of what her life should be.

Living in the moment…. going with the flow… is not irresponsibility or having no plans at all. It is trusting and completely letting go of the steering wheel, knowing that a higher and bigger knowledge or being is working with you. It is saying ( or should I say practicing ) “To my Universe, find me where you know I need to be.”

It is letting go of doubts or fears by being aware that everyone is perfect and in the right place in their spiritual journey.

Right now, I’m just living in the moment. My Mom passed away but I did not blame God nor her doctors. I know that all these are part of the things that I have to work on in this lifetime.

I’ve been getting nice tvc projects too. A lot of challenges come my way though, but then again, I just live in the moment. I let things be.

I remember last week Dexter, my assistant in my casting work, asked me what our next move / agenda will be, I jokingly ( but with seriousness into it ) answered that I don’t plan things, I live in the moment.

About a year ago, there was also this friend and my Mowelfund buddy who was so bothered and who keeps on asking what his life would be like when he eventually ties the knot. I told him, If you really want to enjoy life, just be and live the moment. And don’t bother much of the what ifs and what will bes. Lesser worries and disappointments. Lesser doubts, lesser fears. Well, this friend indeed got married and I believe he’s enjoying life.

If you live in the moment, you wouldn’t feel your physical age much. It’s not the anti-aging cream or any other beauty product that will keep you young or even ageless…. it’s living in the moment.

Let go of the past and don’t bother much of the future. Unchain yourself from a lot of worries. Just be in the moment. Indulge in the moment.

To all those money saving freaks or should I say monsters, try this. You might realize that what you have ( at the moment ) is all you need. That’s a simple truth on Simple Abundance.

We can also restate that, what you don’t have is something that you do not need or would not need. Let us not chain ourselves to material things and to physical time (Chronos). There is indeed much more to life than all these.

At the moment, I am working on my entry to a film grant. I am just enjoying my writing, but I don’t worry much if I’ll get the grant or not. Of course, it would be a bonus if I’ll get it. Just a soft whisper to the breezes… Who knows they may just hear it…

On Missing Someone You Love ... your mom, lovelife, partner, kids... What more your Wife...

I admire my dad so much. It’s been only less than three months since my mom passed away. If she’s still alive, they’re gonna be celebrating their 39th wedding anniversary on May 20. Last January, when we attended the 50th wedding anniversary of my mom’s older brother & his wife, we were all just talking about their 50th wedding anniversary which is just a few years away. My three sisters and I were even computing our ages when that big event comes.

I remember about eight years ago when my mom became ill, when she just started having her dialysis, my dad was so sad then…. Telling us that he thought that he and my Mom would grow old together…. That is how my Dad loves our Mother.

Until now, his love for our Mom remains. One time in the cemetery, he told us his daughters that there are times when it would seem that our mom just went some place, perhaps took a vacation somewhere and would come home. Perhaps he greatly misses her. Thirty nine years of love is really something after all compared to the short lived relationship that I’ve had.

Those thirty nine years of great love between our parents is something that one would miss a lot if placed in the situation where my dad is in right now.

He had been with our mom through good and rough times in our lives. He had been true to their vows…. In sickness and in health, in richness and in poor, till death do them part.

I have only seen him cried three times as far as I can remember. When our Lola (his mother) died during 1980’s, second, when his older brother died and last, when our Mom died last March.

I know that in “Kairos” or in Spirit’s time, they shall meet again and continue their eternal love. I believe their relationship is a marriage of souls...

“Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love, the Sacred. Kairos is Spirit’s time. We exist in Chronos (clocks, deadlines, watches, agendas, schedules… Time at her worst.), we long for Kairos. That’s our duality …. In Kairos, we’re allowed to be. We reconnect with our Divinity in Kairos. Be willing to join in the dance. You are now in Kairos.”